What makes a person?

I had a problem growing up. I grew up fearless and independent. Curious and rebellious. There was no particular culture around me except for utter chaos and mayhem. Sometimes the chaos around you are what makes you strong or weak I guess. I braved every fall and shushed my silent cries, and filled my little brain with the people around me, their thoughts, their smells, their tastes, their happiness, their religions, their inner turmoils, their hatred and their ever confusing love. Yes, I was a child who actually stopped to smell the flowers and who listened to the bees in the gardens.

What makes a person? Music, books, poetry, arts and my belief in love made me who I am today. Bob Dylan changed the way I perceived men and the world in general. Paul Simon taught me about love and separations. Jim Morrison emitted the dark energy that made me the wild woman I am today. Pablo Neruda squeezed the passion filled verses that poured out of my being. Gabriel Garcia Marquez made me fantasize, reach out to my jumbled thoughts and made me fall in love with mystic reality. John Lennon made me humble and taught me humility and revolution. Bob Marley taught me that no revolution is complete without music and brotherhood.

Naifaru Dhohokko made me sing like a woman with her heart bleeding on a carpet of thorns.The passion filled voice of Huvarafushi Fareeda and Jameela Hassan brought drama and tragedy into my life. The great Janis Joplin made me the fearless bitch with character and emotional breakdowns. Jimi Hendrix made me go on trips on a psychedelic magic carpet ride that a normal girl wouldn't dare go...

Vincent Van Gogh taught me that only the insane can truly feel life and create it for the eyes of the beholder. My mother taught me to become the strong women I am today and taught me not to be defeated by adversity. My grandmother showed me the comfort of friends and held my hand forever like a true friend. My brother Srayn taught me that nothing, not even disability should prevent you from living your life and loving it!

Omer Khayyam got me intoxicated with his wine and lust filled poetry. Salman Rushdi fascinated me with the written word and it's power. Isabella Allende made me fall in love with anything and everything Latin American. B B King, Nina Simon and Buddy Guy opened up the world of Blues and Jazz for me.

From Anni, I learned that dreams are achievable even if we get one shot at life and the craziness and strength of the enormous burden and responsibility to save a nation on the verge of social and political destruction at any cost. Bambukeyo Hassan, Bless him, lighted a fire inside me that wouldn't go out. He gave me the zest for life, beats of music, the colors of the rainbow that I paint on my canvas, love and death in my poetry, humor, life's hilarity and the will to live and never give up!

I'm glad that my life was influenced by all of them. They all left a lasting impact on my music, arts, creativity, poetry and the way I write, think and love. I am me, with all my flaws and tortured soul because of them.

I am the most content, if not, the happiest woman on this planet right now. =)

Walk of Life...

This day should be Daddy's Day!

It is true that sometimes Parents do learn from their children too. Today my daddy took part in his first ever rally to mark Democracy Day. About time too! Guess it's never too late... I would be lying to myself if I said I did not feel proud of him! I saw the flush of emotions on his face and his excitement in finally walking his walk!

I was a few months inside my mom when my 19 year old daddy was first taken to jail. He was never told the reason why, till this day! History did repeat itself years later. I knew how my young father would have felt subjected to torture, with a 14 year old child wife back home a few months pregnant, when I was thrown into jail after Black Friday and so on for the next three years.

Years of torture and financial issues had broken down many a men of my fathers generation, that it shames them that they were so tied to this parasite called fear instilled by a mad man. It slowly fed on whatever was left of their dignity, courage and hope... It made me weep ever since I really could weep and understand why the tears were being shed.

Some fight their inner fights silently, when others need to stand up and roar. Either way it isn't a smooth ride for anyone. A revolution cannot be brought without giving your heart, soul or life. That is why heroes are few among us. Heroes, because, few in the world are capable of standing up to authority, brutality, pain, injustice and few can completely release every ounce of fear in their being for the sake of freedom.

Today he stood beside me tall, confident and sure of his self with a twinkle in his eyes. I knew that moment that he had after all, finally, faced his demons and come to terms with life's many injustices and let downs. I guess we are even now. And we hugged. We hugged for all the time we lost, for all that he couldn't bestow upon his daughter, for all our shattered dreams, our failures, our struggles, the tortures, the jails we were confined to, and for the great love and kindness we felt for the living being. We can be changed by what happens to us. We refuse to be reduced by it... We are healed. We have a smile in our hearts, we are ready to grow old now and death, come when it may... I love my father more and more each day.

Love like change is constant.

Turning 34

Gee.. I can't believe how time flies....
I just turned 34!

Finished a crossword puzzle and am sitting here listening to the basically injured, ancient fan whirring... whirring... Maybe I should go out and celebrate. Hang out with a few friends for a good smoke and a laugh with Dylan in the background...
That's the good life... ah! =)

August 12/13, 2009

I'm in a mood.

I'm thinking of this day, 5 years back when I was arrested after the 12/13 protests. I've ofcoz come a long way after that... It made me a strong women because I refused to bow down or be scared of suppression & torture. I knew what I was doing, why I was doing it & what the consequences would be...I'm glad for all the strength I had & for being able to contribute with my time, my spirit..

We did it!

2009, here i come =D

Happy New Year 2009, fellow Bloggers!

I can't believe how fast 2008 went by, when we all were 

busy doing this and that and worrying about life and it's 

mishaps in general...sigh..

I hope to think that time will be on my side this year..

I hope my creative side is invigorated and that 

I accomplish more than I did in 2008.

This year I'm gonna concentrate on myself and think before 

making any commitments, instant gratification probably isn't 

worth the emotional risk...

Anyway I wish to embrace the whole world 

and spread as much love and laughter as I can...

2009, here I come!

Today is my beloved Hassan's Birthday...

What is it about people who leave you before their time?



Today is my Hassan's Birthday.
The first ever birthday that we will never ever be celebrating together
since we met 13 years ago....
And he is no more...

13 years... It all seems like yesterday...
When I think about it now... Oh god...
Loving is so easy, forgetting, so very hard.. :(

He was 7 years older than me...I was a silly thirteen year old girl,
flat chested with a mop of wild curls
that was not at all a fashion statement
and I was always busy trying to catch his eye or impress him...
Whenever we met, he'd come over and
fondly ruffle my curls and It'd curl my fingers
and bowl me over everytime!
Sigh... I was crazy about him..

Down memory lane....

Late 1980's - The first coffee I made for him at my dad's place..
He was in a meeting with dad in the living room
and I was asked to make coffee for him, which I did so enthusiastically that,
I ended up adding iodized salt instead of sugar, and he,
being his mischeivious, modest self, drank it all without batting an eyelid.

Our youth took us to places for studies and him to his music
and it was 10 years later again
when fate brought us together during 1996 August 13,
When under a palm tree at Nedhunge Abo's house (May he rest in peace),
He told me how I had put salt in his coffee 10 years ago and kissed me... :S

That night, was the beginning of a thirteen year old love affair
with a man who was the most giving and compassionate,
who spent years and took pains to understand my complex moods
and learned to love me for the person I was..
He tried and learnt ways to make me happy,
to protect me, care for me and showed me the way.

We'd have the usual couple's rows
we'd bang phones and doors
and come back crying into eachother's arms
and make love till morning,
tired and spent we'll fall into eachother's arms
cuddle and sleep in eachother's warmth like puppies

He'd hold me in his arms on nights when I would
suffer and shiver from life's insecurities...
He'll soothe me and watch over me till morning.
And I'd do the same...
Lifted him up everytime
society pulled him down..
we dried and wiped eachother's tears
and held on to dear life for survival
being eachothers strength and weakness..

How could one not miss that warmth?
How could one not miss that reassuaring smile
and the tender touch, and soothing voice??

Today I cry for the loss of your presence in my life Hassan.
I cry for all the things we never said and did..
for the baby that we lost,
How can I ever forget three days of tears
you shed for that baby?
It crushed me and shattered me...
and I cry too for the babies we never made,
but gave names to on childish impulse...
(lil Rehendhi and Hayyaam Haaji Hassan...
- named after our favourite Persian Poet Omar Khayyaam)

I cry for the colours we never painted on our walls
but fought over like kids...
For the beats you never played on your drum
but all your life dreamt of those accomplishments..
For all those ideas you were able to share with me,
but couldn't put on paper...

The emotional baggage I carry of our union
is heavy and over whelming Hassan..
It's brought me to my knees..
and you're not even here to lift me up,
or wipe my tears and comfort me...

Time has been cruel and I haven't been able to move on
since you went away... :(
I wish you had written more bullet points on the letter you left me...
of how, I should learn to live without you
and not look forward to your phone calls,

not dial your number in excitement

everytime I wanted to share a piece of my life...

not turn in my sleep to hug you,

Probe for your warmth, only to find emptiness.

Nothingness.

I could go on... but I can't...It's too painful :(

You were a lovely, lovely man Hassan.
You made me a woman.
taught me how to love,
You'll be so proud of the woman I've become now.
I will always love you because I never felt anything but love for you..
and I wouldn't know how to love anyone else,
Cos I've never known unconditional love like yours...

Just please, please, watch over me.
and save me a place, up there, right next to you.
I'll be there soon, only time will tell...

I Love You.

Guarding My Secrets

My heart knows no bounds.
I think this is an endearing quality
that attracts more than just the ideal man.
I could also be a bulls' eye for lotharios
just out for a good time without a commitment.
I think I should guard my secrets well until
I can discern the best from the deadbeats.
I need to and I want to but when can I empty my heart??