Today is my beloved Hassan's Birthday...

What is it about people who leave you before their time?



Today is my Hassan's Birthday.
The first ever birthday that we will never ever be celebrating together
since we met 13 years ago....
And he is no more...

13 years... It all seems like yesterday...
When I think about it now... Oh god...
Loving is so easy, forgetting, so very hard.. :(

He was 7 years older than me...I was a silly thirteen year old girl,
flat chested with a mop of wild curls
that was not at all a fashion statement
and I was always busy trying to catch his eye or impress him...
Whenever we met, he'd come over and
fondly ruffle my curls and It'd curl my fingers
and bowl me over everytime!
Sigh... I was crazy about him..

Down memory lane....

Late 1980's - The first coffee I made for him at my dad's place..
He was in a meeting with dad in the living room
and I was asked to make coffee for him, which I did so enthusiastically that,
I ended up adding iodized salt instead of sugar, and he,
being his mischeivious, modest self, drank it all without batting an eyelid.

Our youth took us to places for studies and him to his music
and it was 10 years later again
when fate brought us together during 1996 August 13,
When under a palm tree at Nedhunge Abo's house (May he rest in peace),
He told me how I had put salt in his coffee 10 years ago and kissed me... :S

That night, was the beginning of a thirteen year old love affair
with a man who was the most giving and compassionate,
who spent years and took pains to understand my complex moods
and learned to love me for the person I was..
He tried and learnt ways to make me happy,
to protect me, care for me and showed me the way.

We'd have the usual couple's rows
we'd bang phones and doors
and come back crying into eachother's arms
and make love till morning,
tired and spent we'll fall into eachother's arms
cuddle and sleep in eachother's warmth like puppies

He'd hold me in his arms on nights when I would
suffer and shiver from life's insecurities...
He'll soothe me and watch over me till morning.
And I'd do the same...
Lifted him up everytime
society pulled him down..
we dried and wiped eachother's tears
and held on to dear life for survival
being eachothers strength and weakness..

How could one not miss that warmth?
How could one not miss that reassuaring smile
and the tender touch, and soothing voice??

Today I cry for the loss of your presence in my life Hassan.
I cry for all the things we never said and did..
for the baby that we lost,
How can I ever forget three days of tears
you shed for that baby?
It crushed me and shattered me...
and I cry too for the babies we never made,
but gave names to on childish impulse...
(lil Rehendhi and Hayyaam Haaji Hassan...
- named after our favourite Persian Poet Omar Khayyaam)

I cry for the colours we never painted on our walls
but fought over like kids...
For the beats you never played on your drum
but all your life dreamt of those accomplishments..
For all those ideas you were able to share with me,
but couldn't put on paper...

The emotional baggage I carry of our union
is heavy and over whelming Hassan..
It's brought me to my knees..
and you're not even here to lift me up,
or wipe my tears and comfort me...

Time has been cruel and I haven't been able to move on
since you went away... :(
I wish you had written more bullet points on the letter you left me...
of how, I should learn to live without you
and not look forward to your phone calls,

not dial your number in excitement

everytime I wanted to share a piece of my life...

not turn in my sleep to hug you,

Probe for your warmth, only to find emptiness.

Nothingness.

I could go on... but I can't...It's too painful :(

You were a lovely, lovely man Hassan.
You made me a woman.
taught me how to love,
You'll be so proud of the woman I've become now.
I will always love you because I never felt anything but love for you..
and I wouldn't know how to love anyone else,
Cos I've never known unconditional love like yours...

Just please, please, watch over me.
and save me a place, up there, right next to you.
I'll be there soon, only time will tell...

I Love You.